#DearMonica,
A year ago, I gave birth to you. For one whole year, I breastfed you, nourished you, took care of you 24/7. There were times that I cried because of exhaustion, depression, and loneliness. You see, motherhood is something new to me. And I am learning everyday. And though I prepared for this, I feel that I am still lost at times.
Anak, it’s not easy but you are worth it. All the sleepless nights, body pains, messy days, and more are nothing compared to the happiness you bring to our lives.
Yes I gave birth to you. But you have also given birth to a better version of myself. I never thought I could do the things I am doing, now that I am mother. Anak this is the best of me, this is my happiest. I know it’s only been a year but it feels more than that.
Thank you for all your smiles and giggles. For your contagious laughter and sweet hugs. Thank you for your kisses.
Happy 1st Birthday, our Monica.
I love you anak, sobra.
Love,
Mommy, 24 June 2017
PS: I would not have survived the first year if not for a very supportive and loving husband and daddy. I love you Beejay.
Category: Parenthood
Mommy Body
“Ano ba yan, nanay na nanay ka na”
“Huy kelan ka ba papayat?”
“Ang laki mo na ah”
So annoying right? Yeah I heard those lines from people and I was really offended. They may not mean it but it made me really insecure. Hello I was not really payat to begin with! Haha. It’s okay naman to joke around – it’s just that, for a stay at home mommy who does not have time for herself, this really hurts. I know it’s a matter of perspective, but still, it hurts.
I did not gain a lot. Maarte lang talaga ako. Plus people expect mommies to be in good shape agad nowadays. Thanks to Social Media for being so unrealistic. Haha. Trend na ngayon na dapat payat agad.
Seriously speaking – it is insensitive to ask a mother to lose weight right away. Especially if you have no idea what she has been through or what she’s going through. Try mo kaya mag-alaga ng bata 24/7 while doing house chores? Haha.
I guess what I wanted to say is, stop body shaming of any kind. It’s just not good. And as for me, I am praying to just take these things constructively so I can improve myself. Afterall, I think they mean well. Sensitive lang talaga ako. Hahaha.
PS: My husband keeps on reassuring me that I am beautiful and not fat. So, kebs. Chos! Hehe đ
Breastfeeding Journey
Today is exactly 10 months and 10 days of exclusively and directly breastfeeding Monica. While I believe that FED is BEST, I think I still deserve a pat on the back for reaching this far and for wanting for more.
Breastfeeding my child was and is the ONLY option I want. Primarily because I was breastfed (and my mommy kept on sharing stories about it) and formula feeding was not really something I have knowledge about.
When Monica first latched on me, I knew there was milk and it was enough. That’s the only thing I entertained and it never crossed my mind that I’ll have  a problem breastfeeding her. Mighty power of positive thinking I must say. I only had issues on the 3rd day when I felt my nipple was so sore and my breast suddenly became so engorged. I thought Monica was just feeding so excessively and aggressively, boy I was wrong. Her latch was incorrect, thanks to MMC’s Lactation Consultant who did rounds that day and saved my sanity. Haha. She taught me the correct one and that moment, all the pain went away.
I was so thankful it was corrected right before we were discharged. It made our journey a little bit easier than some. <3
I tried introducing the bottle  on Monica’s 4th month but she refused it. So I decided to just feed her directly. We are together 24/7 – I bring her with me anywhere and everywhere. We would go to the mall together, I will try to fit clothes while she looks at me, seated on the fitting room chair (not for so long as lately, she would just crawl and stand up haha). I would bring her with me while having dinner or coffee with friends.
So ME time’s really not applicable. Haha. And even though it’s tiring, I wouldn’t still trade it for anything. I gave up my career for now to take care of her, so bakit di ko pa sagarin diba? Haha.
One more thing – breastfeeding does not cost a thing! Well except if I request for a new dress or crave for so many food. Haha. In a way it helps my pride knowing that I cannot contribute financially – well at least I make my baby healthy with zero money involved. hahaha.
The only thing I don’t like is – it makes me so hungry all the time! I lost my pregnancy weight 2 months post partum but I gained 1-2kgs on the 5th month! So hard to lose weight! #mommyissues
But still…
I love breastfeeding. It gives me a sense of pride especially with the bond that Monica and I have. So thankful that things are looking good in our journey. <3
Baby Blues: It's Real
Monica’s perfect in our eyes. As first time parents, we were really excited to show her to world. We had visitors, we were active in social media, and we talked about our baby non-stop. I was advised to have a complete rest. I did not listen.
On the 5th day, we went home. And that’s when it has sunk in. Our lives have changed for real. It was really hard for me to move, carry Monica, and find a position to nurse her. My mom stayed with us that night. She did our laundry, cooked for us, and cleaned our place.
The morning after, she had to go home and that’s when I started crying. I cried because of deeper respect and love for my own mother.
I cried every single day for one whole week. I cried because Monica refused to sleep at night, fussy and gassy. I cried because I cannot do the things I used to do. I cried because I felt I was so alone. I cried because I wanted to be with my mother – meaning, I want my old life. I cried because I wanted Monica inside my tummy again. Â I cried because I was really tired and all I wanted was to sleep for 4 days straight. I cried because of a lot of things. And I was told it’s NORMAL.
BUT Beej, Monica, and I managed to get thru – with just the 3 of us physically and our parents/friends virtually. Haha. During Beej’s paternity leave, he would do all household chores while I recover and take care of Monica. It got better. We got used to it. Hoooray.
As they say, “the struggle is real”. It was so damn real. And worth it. <3
Our Birthing Story: Hello there, Monica
Birthing Story: Part 1
Birthing Story: Part 2
At 7pm, I was brought to the operating room while Beej was signing documents (about change of package from Normal delivery to Emergency CS). I was feeling cold in the OR while they prepare for the operation. I think I fell asleep (probably because of the extra dosage of epidural) for a while because the next thing I remember was they called Beej already and my OB said, “Oh konting press lang to ha…”
Beej refused to look at my open tummy haha. He just took photos of what’s going on, took a video, and reassured me that it’s gonna be okay.
After a few minutes, we heard Monica cry.
Then they brought her to me for Unang Yakap and they had her latch on me. She’s beautiful. This little human being came out alive and healthy. Thank You Lord.
I cried of course and passed out.
I woke up after an hour and found myself in the recovery room. I was too excited to see and hold Monica. I was advised to move my legs while the effect of anesthesia is still there – it’s for me to cope better and to heal faster.
I can’t remember being tired. All I felt was happiness. Seeing Beej so smitten with our daughter was enough to forget what I went through.
Monica is love. Thank You God.
PS: And because of what I went through, NO, you cannot just tell me: “Ay CS ka pala?” TRY MO? Haha. #Galit đ
Our Birthing Story: Labor
Birthing Story: Part 1
So a little before 7am, I was already in the labor room, contractions here and there. Beej called my Mommy and informed about the situation.
Good thing was, Monica’s doing well inside, heart rate was good. Contractions were pretty regular and I would cry in between. MASAKIT. TALAGANG MASAKIT. My pain threshold was not that high, probably that’s why the early contractions were stressful already.
I called my mom because I know  she would panic knowing that her daughter is in pain. I cried and she told me she’ll be going to the hospital soon. I was advised to rest and sleep, but HOW? MASAKIT TALAGA.
Kudos to my husband for being so supportive and cheerful still, no signs of panic. Haha.
At 12 noon, I was checked again and to our surprise, it’s still at 4cm. Mind you, IE while contracting was really REALLY PAINFUL. Please lang.
Normally, dilation will progress at 1-1.5cm every hour. But in my case, the progress was very small. At that point also, I was crying of pain and I could not handle it anymore. I think the slow progress added to my frustration. I was so tired, hungry, and feeling so down and yet it seems there was no progress at all. The resident OB advised that I get an epidural already as it will make me rest because I won’t feel any pain at all. They decided to break my water and induce me to help with the dilation. We agreed.
Epidural was heaven for me. For a few hours, I got to rest but not sleep, at least I was inp peace even if contractions came every two minutes with high intensity.
And so we expected that at 4pm, I will be full dilated. I was checked  again and sadly, it only progressed to 5cm. Too bad. My OB said I should be 7-8cm dilated by 6om, if not we may have to talk about Emergency CS.
This stressed me out a little more. The cost, the pain, everything. The only consolation was, Monica’s still doing good inside.
6:30pm came. Sadly, it’s still at 5-6cm. Did not really progress that much. OB explained what happened and what will happen. We can opt to just wait till 8pm and see.
I was crying and feeling really tired already. I’m not sure if I can still do it. I prayed. Beej looked at me and decided we go emergency CS already. Awang awa na ang asawa ko. We hugged and prayed and got excited that finally, our baby will be with us soon.
Our Birthing Story: Contractions
This story is about me, my husband, and our daughter.
I was told to just wait and let Monica come out when she’s ready. I did my share of walking, swimming, exercising – to get ready for her big day.
We went to the OB for our weekly check-up on Thursday, June 23. It was also the 39th week of Monica inside my tummy. I told Dra. Soci that I’ve been having contractions and had barely slept for a couple of days; I also told her I just had a pinkish discharge before meeting with her. She said it’s my body getting ready for labor. She did an internal exam and found out I was 2cm dilated already. Since it’s still early to tell, she sent us home and advised to just relax and wait.
Since Beej already took a leave, we went to the mall and walked (and walked and walked). From Greenbelt to SM, in between walks, I would have contractions and would stop for a few minutes.
On our way home, Beej was already monitoring my contractions. Around 6pm we reached home and my contractions were every 5-7 minutes already but pain was still manageable.I said I would still do some exercise but around 9pm, pain became intense and Beej decided we go to the hospital already.
Makati Medical Center, Delivery Room, June 23, 9:30PM. The resident OB checked and found out my dilation did not progress as it’s still 2cm. We were sent home because it’s still not progressing and the contractions were not regular.
We had light dinner at 11PM and went home. I was not able to sleep as contractions were becoming painful and regular again. I was crying and Beej was worried and decided we go back to the hospital. At 5Am we’re back at the hospital and at last my dilation progressed and it becamce 3cm. I was admitted and brought to the labor room.
Baconette
Our Little Bacon. <3
I don’t know, it must be just mother’s instinct or probably it was just my brain commanding of what I should think and feel. But the moment I knew I was pregnant, I knew it was gonna be a girl. Â I just felt it and knew.
In the first few weeks of my pregnancy, a lot of people would reaffirm what I was feeling. They kept telling me that our baby’s a girl – they say because I was blooming and did not look pregnant at all. Yey. Haha.
We initially gave our baby a nickname – Baconette, well short for little bacon. Because, who does not love bacons right??? Haha. So that’s why I called our baby, Baconette. Okay. Okay.
Baconette was really active in my tummy, her measurements were all good, and she’s always been well inside.
When we confirmed that we were indeed having a girl, I told Beej I want to name her MONICA. Few months into our dating stage, I dreamt of giving birth to a baby girl and named her Monica. Ever since then, I would always look forward to have my own baby girl. Beej agreed right away. You might ask why? I don’t know as well. It’s possible that I got Monica from watching FRIENDS over and over. Hehe.
For the other name, I wanted a name that starts with D, why? WALA LANG, gusto ko D. Okay lang? Haha. So I have (Yes I decided haha) come up with Dareen. Again, gusto ko lang. Ayos lang? Some of the people I know just laughed about the name Monica, I was hurt actually then realized, kebs nyo ba? I know in my heart that Monica is perfect name for our baby. Â HUGOT pala. HAHAHA.
<3Â 
Pregnancy: 3rd Trimester
I was conscious with my weight gain, with how I do my exercise, with how I looked, and with what I eat. Blame it to the hormones and the pregnancy stuff I’ve been reading. I stayed active. I would swim or walk everyday, I would control the portions of my food – except for really, really “hungy days”. I gained just about right. And just like that, I entered the last trimester.
Our little bacon grew much bigger, more active, and healthier. We had a 3D/4D scan on the 7th month and found out she looked so much like her daddy. She did not even want to show her whole face but we can tell, she would be a daddy look-a-like.
At this point in my pregnancy, I have enjoyed chats with my co-pregnant friends, my mommy friends, and those friends who want to be preggy too. I must say I learned a lot from them more than the stuff I’ve been reading online. It actually helped a lot that I stayed connected with the right support group.
The last few weeks of my pregnancy paved way for my nesting stage. I re-arranged our unit, prepared it to be baby-friendly and made sure everything is ready. We shopped for baby stuff and welcomed those pre-loved ones given by family and friends.
My mom organized a last minute baby shower for us and I was really overjoyed! It was simple but a very memorable one!
And, the waiting game begins….
Pregnancy: 1st Trimester
Two days (Tuesday) after  we found out that it was positive in the pregnancy test, we went to Dra. Syki-Young in Makati Med, she’s the OB referred by one of our friends. Based on my Last Menstrual Period (September 24, 2015), she said I was possibly 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. But of course we cannot tell this early if it’s 100% accurate so she advised us to have a Transvaginal Ultrasound on the 7th week.
I was disappointed really, because I was expecting it to be the grand ultrasound right away. Hehe. So I went back to the office and faced the stress of a recruitment job.
Thursday came and I felt some pain in my lower back and tummy. I panicked and went to the OB clinic right away! She mentioned it’s just nothing and I was just too paranoid or probably stressed out. She advised me to take a two day rest and not to stress out too much.
Week 7. So anxious for the first ultrasound. And there you go, we saw our little bacon. We heard and saw the heartbeat and we were so happy! However, there was a slight (normal) problem seen in the ultrasound. I was seen with Subchorionic Hemorrhage near the sac; I was told it’s pretty normal but it’s still best that I take a bed rest for two weeks and come back on the 9th week for another ultrasound. I was given meds to make sure the baby will be alright. I immediately told my boss about it and took my 2-week leave.
I stayed in Batangas because I was really having a hard time in the initial stage of pregnancy. I hated anything that’s fried. The smell of “ginisa” was making me puke and was making me angry. I kept vomiting and I was always nauseous. Â Plus during those times, I longed for my mother so much. Shecooked me real food, prepared and bought fruits. I felt really loved. This also meant, my husband can already eat breakfast at home without worrying that I’ll throw up. Hehe.
Week 9. We went back for another ultrasound. I remember praying so hard that our baby is okay. And yes, our little bacon’s doing just fine! I was cleared for the internal bleeding but was asked to continue with my “pampakapit” meds plus folic acid.
Back to work. I told myself, actually I was told by everyone, to take it easy at work. It was really hard to function since I was always feeling weak and all.
On the 12th week, my birthday, we finally heard our little bacon’s heartbeat via the Doppler device! Oh it was the perfect gift!!! We were teary eyed! đ
