“It seems that I don’t need you for that anymore.”

Some days, I want her to grow up so she can do more things on her own. But most days, I just want her to stay little and need me a little more.

It’s been a week since Monica started to wash on her own every after bathroom business. I can’t count how many times I asked when will she be able to do it. Not that I want to rush things, but just so she won’t bother me when I am asleep, at work, or simply resting.

Lazy mama you must say, but yes. I have days when I don’t really want to function as a mother. 

One Sunday, when I was napping and Beej was in a meeting (he has Sunday work), Monica woke me up because she wanted to poop. Awoken from a very rare nap, I snapped and her and said “I hate that my sleep is now interrupted! Don’t talk to me first! Let me rest!” I know, I know, too bad of me. I felt guilty after and explained why I got mad.

Almost the same scenario happened again, but this time, Monica did not wake me up. She waited for her daddy’s meeting to finish before calling him even if it meant waiting in the toilet for 30 minutes. I asked why she had to wait, “I don’t want to disturb your sleep, mommy.” My heart was crushed. 

A few days after this incident, she asked me to teach her how to wash herself. So I taught her; showed her how to use the bidet, soap, and so on. At first I was so excited and proud. She learned fast and she seemed to enjoy doing things on her own. Until last night when I decided to secretly watch her wash.

She seemed uncomfortable; imagine, a small built trying to reach the bidet, the soap, while making sure her shirt won’t get wet. It took a long time for her to finish. But as soon as done, she ran to me and shared how she did it as usual. That’s when I cried.

Monica: Mommy why are you crying?

Mommy: Why are you washing your pwet on your own already?🥲

Monica: It seems that I don’t need you for that anymore

Mommy: 😭😭😭😭

Monica:

Oh no don’t cry mommy! I still need you in learning new things. I still need you to take care of me.🥰

I am sorry for being emotional but it really made me cry. Now I wanted to do all things for her but I know I shouldn’t. No matter how much I stop or delay, this stage will come. I felt guilty for being so lazy but at the same time, I know it was needed.

Haaaaaay. My baby who used to be so clingy and needy is now a big girl. Haaaaaaay. BRB crying again.🥺🥺🥺

Mommy Body

“Ano ba yan, nanay na nanay ka na”
“Huy kelan ka ba papayat?”
“Ang laki mo na ah”
So annoying right? Yeah I heard those lines from people and I was really offended. They may not mean it but it made me really insecure. Hello I was not really payat to begin with! Haha. It’s okay naman to joke around – it’s just that, for a stay at home mommy who does not have time for herself, this really hurts. I know it’s a matter of perspective, but still, it hurts.
I did not gain a lot. Maarte lang talaga ako. Plus people expect mommies to be in good shape agad nowadays. Thanks to Social Media for being so unrealistic. Haha. Trend na ngayon na dapat payat agad.
Seriously speaking – it is insensitive to ask a mother to lose weight right away. Especially if you have no idea what she has been through or what she’s going through. Try mo kaya mag-alaga ng bata 24/7 while doing house chores? Haha.
I guess what I wanted to say is, stop body shaming of any kind. It’s just not good. And as for me, I am praying to just take these things constructively so I can improve myself. Afterall, I think they mean well. Sensitive lang talaga ako. Hahaha.
PS: My husband keeps on reassuring me that I am beautiful and not fat. So, kebs. Chos! Hehe 😀

Our Birthing Story: Hello there, Monica

Birthing Story: Part 1
Birthing Story: Part 2
At 7pm, I was brought to the operating room while Beej was signing documents (about change of package from Normal delivery to Emergency CS). I was feeling cold in the OR while they prepare for the operation. I think I fell asleep (probably because of the extra dosage of epidural) for a while because the next thing I remember was they called Beej already and my OB said, “Oh konting press lang to ha…”
Beej refused to look at my open tummy haha. He just took photos of what’s going on, took a video, and reassured me that it’s gonna be okay.
After a few minutes, we heard Monica cry.
Then they brought her to me for Unang Yakap and they had her latch on me. She’s beautiful. This little human being came out alive and healthy. Thank You Lord.
I cried of course and passed out.
I woke up after an hour and found myself in the recovery room. I was too excited to see and hold Monica. I was advised to move my legs while the effect of anesthesia is still there – it’s for me to cope better and to heal faster.
I can’t remember being tired. All I felt was happiness. Seeing Beej so smitten with our daughter was enough to forget what I went through.
Monica is love. Thank You God.
PS: And because of what I went through, NO, you cannot just tell me: “Ay CS ka pala?” TRY MO? Haha. #Galit 😛

Our Birthing Story: Contractions

This story is about me, my husband, and our daughter.
I was told to just wait and let Monica come out when she’s ready. I did my share of walking, swimming, exercising – to get ready for her big day.
We went to the OB for our weekly check-up on Thursday, June 23. It was also the 39th week of Monica inside my tummy. I told Dra. Soci that I’ve been having contractions and had barely slept for a couple of days; I also told her I just had a pinkish discharge before meeting with her. She said it’s my body getting ready for labor. She did an internal exam and found out I was 2cm dilated already. Since it’s still early to tell, she sent us home and advised to just relax and wait.
Since Beej already took a leave, we went to the mall and walked (and walked and walked). From Greenbelt to SM, in between walks, I would have contractions and would stop for a few minutes.
On our way home, Beej was already monitoring my contractions. Around 6pm we reached home and my contractions were every 5-7 minutes already but pain was still manageable.I said I would still do some exercise but around 9pm, pain became intense and Beej decided we go to the hospital already.
Makati Medical Center, Delivery Room, June 23, 9:30PM. The resident OB checked and found out my dilation did not progress as it’s still 2cm. We were sent home because it’s still not progressing and the contractions were not regular.
We had light dinner at 11PM and went home. I was not able to sleep as contractions were becoming painful and regular again. I was crying and Beej was worried and decided we go back to the hospital. At 5Am we’re back at the hospital and at last my dilation progressed and it becamce 3cm. I was admitted and brought to the labor room.

Pregnancy: 1st Trimester

Two days (Tuesday) after  we found out that it was positive in the pregnancy test, we went to Dra. Syki-Young in Makati Med, she’s the OB referred by one of our friends. Based on my Last Menstrual Period (September 24, 2015), she said I was possibly 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. But of course we cannot tell this early if it’s 100% accurate so she advised us to have a Transvaginal Ultrasound on the 7th week.
I was disappointed really, because I was expecting it to be the grand ultrasound right away. Hehe. So I went back to the office and faced the stress of a recruitment job.
Thursday came and I felt some pain in my lower back and tummy. I panicked and went to the OB clinic right away! She mentioned it’s just nothing and I was just too paranoid or probably stressed out. She advised me to take a two day rest and not to stress out too much.
Week 7. So anxious for the first ultrasound. And there you go, we saw our little bacon. We heard and saw the heartbeat and we were so happy! However, there was a slight (normal) problem seen in the ultrasound. I was seen with Subchorionic Hemorrhage near the sac; I was told it’s pretty normal but it’s still best that I take a bed rest for two weeks and come back on the 9th week for another ultrasound. I was given meds to make sure the baby will be alright. I immediately told my boss about it and took my 2-week leave.
I stayed in Batangas because I was really having a hard time in the initial stage of pregnancy. I hated anything that’s fried. The smell of “ginisa” was making me puke and was making me angry. I kept vomiting and I was always nauseous.  Plus during those times, I longed for my mother so much. Shecooked me real food, prepared and bought fruits. I felt really loved. This also meant, my husband can already eat breakfast at home without worrying that I’ll throw up. Hehe.
Week 9. We went back for another ultrasound. I remember praying so hard that our baby is okay. And yes, our little bacon’s doing just fine! I was cleared for the internal bleeding but was asked to continue with my “pampakapit” meds plus folic acid.
Back to work. I told myself, actually I was told by everyone, to take it easy at work. It was really hard to function since I was always feeling weak and all.
On the 12th week, my birthday, we finally heard our little bacon’s heartbeat via the Doppler device! Oh it was the perfect gift!!! We were teary eyed! 🙂


 

Positive

Prior to getting married, Beej and I agreed to wait for 6 months to 1 year before having a baby. So after getting married, we enjoyed our time just the two of us. Five months of being together, we talked about trying to conceive and prepared ourselves. We were excited.

I resigned from my graveyard shift job and applied to a regular day-job, did some exercise, and quit smoking. We had ourselves checked to make sure we really are ready. On the first month, I tested and it was negative. I felt a bit sad and thought to myself, “it’s not that easy to get pregnant even if I know my period and cycle so damn well.”

And so we tried again. I remember it clearly, October 4, 2015 – I knew I was fertile then, but I didn’t tell my husband as I know pressure won’t help. Hehe. Night of October 6, we did it again. In my head, I loved it of course, but in my heart I knew, that was it.

October 20, 2016, I was supposed to have my period but it didn’t happen. I thought it was probably because of too much stress in the office. So I waited. October 24, still no period but I was feeling tired and my back really hurt – just like whenever my period is about to come. But that night, I bought Pregnancy Test Kit already, just because I was almost 5 days delayed, something that never happened in the past.

Six in the morning of October 25, I woke up anxious. Not sure if it’s because I felt like peeing or because I was excited to do the PT. Beej was sleeping soundly, I did not want to wake him up. So I went ahead and checked. In just a matter of 10 seconds, 2 lines showed up! That fast. I did not even blink and saw how it formed two lines right after I put my pee on it. I cannot explain how I felt – I was shaking, speechless. Went to husband and gently woke him up. He said, “wow” and hugged me.

At 10am, he bought 2 more PT kits just to double check. And those two came with 2 lines again. So happy! We went ahead and told our mothers. We prepared for the day because we’re scheduled to have lunch at Rej and Oneal’s place. They were the first ones to know about the good news!

After that, we heard mass and sincerely thanked the Lord for this blessing. And since then, there’s never a time that I did not touch and talk to my tummy. I felt love at that very moment. <3

Continue reading “Positive”